A Thankless Task (a short story by Jinny M Throup)

Kevin let out a silent sigh of relief as the nurse quietly told his wife’s parents it was time for them to leave. Their grief-stricken faces, their tears as they'd gazed in stunned silence at their daughter, pale and seemingly motionless underneath stiff hospital sheets, had been almost unbearable. He’d wanted to reach out to them, say something, do something, anything, but he couldn’t and when the nurse gently ushered them out, neither of them had looked at him. It didn’t surprise him. He knew they blamed him for Ellie’s suicide attempt.

He shook his head sadly and made his way to Ellie’s bedside. And who could blame them for blaming him? Who else was there to blame? He reached to touch Ellie’s short, dark hair. This was all his fault. How could he have been so stupid? So reckless? If only he'd stopped just for one instant that night, stopped to think about what he was doing, the consequences, the hurt he might cause through his thoughtlessness. But he hadn't. It had all seemed like such a good idea at the time, and he'd simply never considered the possibility that Ellie would ever find out.

Of course, it was always easy to blame the drink, but now Kevin knew better. If there was one positive thing to be taken out of this whole, pitiful mess, at least he knew now that he couldn’t go on blaming the drink for what had happened. It had been his choice all along and whilst at first it had been tough to face up to this responsibility, it was an insight he’d eventually found surprisingly liberating.

His attention was distracted by a tall man, dressed in the customary white, quietly entering the room and, suddenly glad to see a familiar, friendly face, Kevin managed a smile as he greeted him.

“Hey Peter.”

“Hi Kev. How’s she doing?”

Kevin shrugged his shoulders.

“You know better than I do, mate. You're the professional.”

His attempt at humour appeared to fall on deaf ears; Peter was checking charts and drips, his expression serious and Kevin could hardly keep his eyes off him. He studied the big man’s profile as he bent over the bed, peering intently at Ellie, his hand resting softly on her brow.

“All's well,” he whispered, as if to himself, and as he turned from the bed, Kevin couldn't help noticing that his look of occupational concern had turned into something quite different. His face seemed to have lit up just by looking at his wife, and his eyes were filled with something that looked very much like pure love. He couldn’t keep quiet any

longer.

“Peter…”

“Uh-huh,”

Kevin lowered his gaze and fidgeted for a moment, not sure where to start. He’d no idea anything could feel this awkward. Of course, he thanked God that Peter had been there last night, that he'd found Ellie when he did, but there were things he needed to know. Questions he needed answering.

Peter broke into the silence.

“You really mustn’t blame yourself, you know. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Well, you’re the only one around here who thinks so.”

There was a distinct note of self-pity in Kevin’s voice, but he couldn’t help it.

“No, I'm not. Not really.”

Peter had that mysterious look in his eyes, that soothing lilt to his voice, as though he were privy to something that everyone else would find out later. It wasn’t an arrogant look, it was just the way Peter was, and if he was honest, Kevin had to admit that, like pretty much everything else about Peter, it had a way of making him feel better about things. Even this.

“It’s just, well, you know, I was wondering…”

“Of course you were. You were wondering what exactly happened last night, weren´t you?”

Kevin nodded as Peter sat down on the only chair in the room, gesturing as he did for Kevin to take a seat on the bed. Kevin glanced down at his wife as he sat next to her and a flood of remorse once again swept over him, but he couldn’t cry. No more tears would come. He reached for her hand and turned his attention back to Peter.

“I wasn’t there, Peter. That’s the hardest thing. I should have been there for her and I wasn’t.”

“There was somewhere else you had to be, things you had to do.”

“No! I should have been there. I should have been with Ellie. She needed me, and I wasn’t there. I let her down. Again.”

“Well, what's done is done, and there were good reasons for your not being there. You

couldn’t have been there, you know that. You were exactly where you were meant to be, Kevin. You always are.”

“But you were there.”

“That’s different.”

A silence settled on the room as Kevin tried to control his emotions. Peter had a point; there was no way on earth he could have been there with Ellie last night, but it was his own stupidity, his own irresponsibility that had caused their separation in the first place. That's why he'd been off somewhere else, doing those other things. That's why Ellie had been pushed to her limit, and why he'd been unable to do anything to help her. But Peter had. Somehow he'd been there, he'd saved her. How had that happened?

“Are you sure you really want to know the truth? Some of it might be difficult for you.”

“Just tell me.” Kevin’s voice was low, miserable but his mind was alert. Ready.

Peter began to speak, to tell the story of last night and, closing his eyes, Kevin felt as though he were somehow being transported there by the words themselves. As though he were actually watching the whole thing, just like a movie.

Ellie was crying. No, Ellie was sobbing. Sitting at the kitchen table, a framed photo of him, Kevin, in one hand, a bottle of whisky in the other.

“You bastard! How could you leave me?”

Her voice was a thick, slurred wail and Kevin felt a pang, like a gunshot, right in the centre of his chest.

“I never left you, Ellie,” he blurted out, “I'd never leave you. I'm here. I'm right here.”

He looked helplessly at Peter.

“It was just a stupid mistake. That night...I never meant for any of this to happen. I got drunk, and things got out of control and...”

“I know,” Peter interrupted gently, “I tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen.”

With his words, the movie started again.

Ellie had been in no state to listen. Kevin doubted she was even aware that Peter was with her. She'd thrown the photo onto the tiled kitchen floor, walked barefoot through the shards of glass from the broken frame and, still gripping the bottle of whisky, made her unsteady way upstairs to the bathroom, leaving a trail of blood from the soles of her feet behind her. Then things had become eerily quiet but in his mind's eye, Kevin could see Ellie sitting cross-legged on the bathroom floor, barely flinching as she drew the razor blade down her wrists, then curling herself into the foetal position to calmly await death as blood poured from her wounds and pooled nauseatingly dark and thick onto the beige carpet. Kevin forced the image away and focused instead on his overwhelming sense of relief that Peter had been there to tend to Ellie straight away, to call for help and then to stay with her, talking to her, until first her sister, and then the ambulance had arrived.

“What did you talk to her about?” There were endless questions spinning around Kevin's head, but this seemed like the right one to ask.

“Well, mainly about you actually. I tried to explain how you couldn't help what happened. How, on the surface, it might look like a straightforward case of you drinking and driving, something she'd disapprove of, be angry about even, but how nothing is straightforward, and everything happens for a reason...”

Peter paused and looked steadily at Kevin.

“Even your death.”

Kevin let out a grunt. “Charming.”

Peter smiled and carried on.

“No matter how much easier it is to believe otherwise, you were not just being stupid and irresponsible that night. You were playing your part in the Grand Scheme of Things. You agreed to this before you were born. So did Ellie. You just both forgot which, believe me, is normal. So many distractions down here.”

“But why would we agree to tragedy? Who in their right minds would agree to dying in a car wreck aged 27? Who would agree to becoming a widow at 24? I still don't get it.”

There was a twinkle in Peter's eyes as he replied patiently.

“For the lessons you chose to learn this time around.”

“Huh. Well, I'm not impressed with my choice of lessons. I'm not impressed with being dead. I always thought if you were dead, at least you'd be able to do cool stuff. Like save your wife, for instance. Turns out being dead, no-one can hear you, no-one can feel you.” Kevin tried to ruffle Ellie's hair to make his point. “You can't make any difference at all. You might as well be...well...dead.”

Peter was nodding.

“I know. It's not all it's cracked up to be, but it does get easier, honestly. You want to try my job, being a guardian angel is one sure fire way of being completely and utterly ignored. Talk about a thankless task. I swear, you could bang a gong or ring a church bell right in their ears and they'd still not hear you.”

“Peter, look,”

Kevin nodded to Ellie. Her eyes were flickering, her fingers twitching above the tight bandaging around her wrists, and she made a pain-filled sound as she slowly opened her eyes.

“Come on. Time to go.”

Peter glanced at Kevin, his face filled with compassion, understanding completely the other man's reluctance to leave. He draped an arm around him, adding softly, “it's just for now. We can come back soon.”

The pair left the room just as the nurse hurried in.

“Ellie! You're awake. No, don't try to move, my love. What a lucky girl you are. If your sister hadn't happened to call on you when she did, well...”

Ellie closed her eyes again. Pain filled her body and her mind just as the sharp disinfectant smell of the hospital filled her senses and as always, her first waking thoughts were of Kevin, of Kevin no longer being here, but today there was something different. The agonising desperation had faded and she was feeling an unexpected but undeniable sense of calm. Perhaps she was sedated, but Ellie didn't think that was the reason. It was more a feeling of having just been with Kevin, of having felt his love surround her again, and of beginning to make sense of something; something she couldn't quite remember, but something that somehow made her feel less alone than she had in the weeks since he'd died.

The nurse was still chattering, promising to call her family straight away and her voice, full of empathy and gentleness reminded Ellie that, in spite of what had happened, there were still people who cared about her. There was still hope, and while there was hope, well - she could barely believe she was thinking this, but yes, it was true - while there was hope, she was glad to be alive. Groggy, but glad to be alive. She opened her eyes and managed a watery smile for the nurse who was cheerily describing what a beautiful day it was.

“You'd hardly believe it was November. Not a cloud in the sky. Look, I'll open the blinds for you...”

As the nurse hurried to the window, somewhere in the distance, a church bell began to

ring.

And for some reason she couldn't quite put her finger on, Ellie was glad she could hear it.