On Being a People Pleaser

What exactly is wrong with people pleasing? Why should the words, “s/he´s just a people-pleaser” carry such negative connotations? What´s the alternative – be a people-pisser-off?

Pleasing other people is a wonderful thing to do – as spiritual beings having our human experience, it´s our duty to please each other as much as we possibly can. What we give out, we get back multiplied after all, so it makes life better and more pleasing for everyone. Which is all well and good, but the thing to bear in mind is this...it´s not the actual act – the thing you did or didn´t do, said or didn´t say to the person you pleased – it´s the energy, the motivation behind it that matters. In other words, if your heart isn´t in it, if you don´t genuinely mean it, then you are not acting as your authentic self and in the long run, this pleases no-one. Least of all the Tao.

I suppose what it all boils down to is self-worth. We find ourselves agreeing to things, smiling when we don´t mean it, keeping quiet because we don´t want to rock the boat, letting people off the hook because we´re scared of the consequences if we don´t. We´re scared of disapproval, of confrontation, of being considered mean, of making a fuss and it´s easier to just grin and bear it than to be true to ourselves and do (or not do) what we know is right for us.

But, like I said, people-pleasing for the wrong reasons is fuelled with negative energy and serves no positive purpose whatsoever. Not even to the person you supposedly “pleased” - whatever it was you did to please them is cancelled out by the negativity surrounding it – your feelings of resentment, anger, frustration etc towards them, and eventually, in one guise or another, those energies will come full circle and have a detrimental effect on everyone concerned.

So, it´s best to start by working on your feelings of self-worth. Remind yourself as many times as you remember through the day (and this is a good one to do whilst looking at your own reflection in a mirror) “I matter. I count. I am worthy.” Once your subconscious mind has processed and accepted this as truth, you will naturally know your own worth and feel more confident in declining to please people for pleasing people´s sake.

There will still be times, no doubt, when you find yourself confronted with a situation and you´re teetering between doing what feels right to you and taking the so-called “easy” option and people-pleasing. Try to remember that what this actually is, is a gift from the universe or the Tao, an opportunity to put your best authentic self forward and to act from the heart no matter what other people may think.

And if, now and again (as we all do), you do find yourself agreeing to people pleasing – well, so what? Don´t beat yourself up. Try to look at the situation differently – do whatever it is with as much of your heart as you can and, above all, do not harbour negative thoughts or feelings about the person or people involved. It´s a lesson, a chance for you to get clearer about what is and isn´t right for you. To boost your self-worth. And perhaps next time, you´ll feel more confident about putting your own feelings and truths first.

Remember, when something makes you feel heavy or resentful, your inner voice is trying to tell you you are off-kilter here and no-one benefits in the long run. However, when you are filled with love, lightness, joy and a deep sense of gratitude in being able to be pleasing or helpful to someone – that´s for everyone´s highest good, and opportunities like this should be actively sought out and carried out unconditionally as much as possible. To genuinely please someone is a gift – not just to them, but to you too. It raises your energy vibration and just makes you feel darned good!

But remember above all - you are worthy. You do count.

Yes, I´m talking to you.

And I´m not just saying that to please you. :)